CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Erm I’m gonna say no
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
#parenting
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth