2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
what does he know…
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.