‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?