VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.