One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
You Might Also Like
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.