[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
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DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.