“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.