If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.