A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.