👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
The Friday File.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.