I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
finally
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”