In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I finally found a reason to live again.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid