I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing