Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
You Might Also Like
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Double negatives are never not confusing.
the icebreaker
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
taking June’s advice to heart