Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
These aliens are taking forever.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.