Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
early stone age tool
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad