[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.