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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”