Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.