Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically