If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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