After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Actually cracking up @ this
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!