Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.