Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven