Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Shoo shoo! 😂
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB