I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*