Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.