Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Well, this explains it:
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”