I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please