I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods