“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!