I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die