How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder