[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit