[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*