I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.