All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
HERE’S MARKY
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*3.5 thank you very much.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure