Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Skills
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.