This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs