Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.