Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.