Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?