“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Our lord and savoury.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.