*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Actually cracking up @ this
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton