Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
🛁
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps