*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.