Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.