[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Not now. I’m deglazing.