R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
my first dose meeting my second
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Happy Friday