You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
A roof is a house hat.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence